The game and stuffs

Saturdays, as usual when out for a game of basketball with ex-schoolmates. Turns out today we hit a low in attendance. So we decide to switch to play in Batu 11, as we can't play any game with 5 fellas. Not really interesting. I'm still trying to find my oldself again. I'm not playing well at all these days, felt like I'm the one that drags the time down. However, I successfully saw glimpse of my oldself today, but just for 1 game. The opponents are unusually hard to bet today. As there is only 5 of us. We are lack of scorers and stronger guards, no one to handle the ball.

Played real hard but still loses. Just highlight one game, where we got our rare win. Our team was being played tough, the opponents just have the height. Outplayed and tired, minds trying to think of a play to get some points, all of us putting full concentration on the game. Everyone in the court wanting to get a win. Gasping for air, the opponent scores a basket, we were down 9-5. I'm not tired but ran out of ideas. As usual Wey Keat keep talking and talking and talking at the sidelines, keep throwing harsh comments on me, which I ignored.

We got the ball, I got the ball and scores from the side wing, 9-6. Winner's ball, I got a pass, then shoots from the other side wing, and scores. I wasn't real pleased, we were still trailing, this game is first to 11. Then I got the ball from my teammates again, drove in, pass to open teammate, shot missed. Then the opponent scores again, 10-7. Desperate to win, opponents got too excited and we got the ball. I got the ball, used abit dance move to do a fake, and shoots and scores. I got the feeling back again. The feeling that I have lost for quite some time.

Trusting me, teammates got me the ball, I gave my opponent that you-can't-defend-me eyes, did a crossover and a powermove, I scores and never wanting to win so badly. Still down by 1 ball, Wey Keat said "How good if we can hit a long-ranged shot, 3-pointer, which would grant us the 2 points needed to win in this game format. Then, I just took the ball and shoots from long, and it hits ths basket, I pumped fist knowing that I had scored a victory for the team.

Ok la. This is just 1 game, from the other 6 games that we have played, we lost 5 of them. I know, we are lousy. How good if I could go to the past and regain my youth. I missed the pure feeling of mixing friends, where we make pure friendship. Now, some friends we make because they will benefit us, we keep using our friend to rip some benefit. Even I does that sometimes, I'm not really a social person, but I do force myself to be extra-friendly people that are smart or rich or they will benefit me in some way. I know I'm wrong, I have acknowledged the problem, I just can't help it.

And other, the pure feeling of just liking someone, remember the days where I just so like that girl, without any reasons. The pure feeling just doesn't exist anymore in me, in fact, my intention towards people is not just purely pure, get what I mean. Ok, I'm really in love with someone now. Saya tak hansem, jadi tak ada teman wanita. My feeling towards her is not 100% pure. Some of them are infested with lust and desire. Perhaps 1 day I will transform into a monster and do something real bad, but right now no.

I'm still wondering what is my feelings so screwed up. After all, I just fall in love twice before. I mean really in love. I really can't figure what had happened to me. There's no way the fault is from my parents or friends. I shall seek the truth someday. I dunno what is happening to me lately, seems like my feeling are crazily imbalance. One moment I can horse-laugh, the other moment I will have no mood to communicate with people. I really need some guide now, I'm abit lost. Felt like I have totally lost out. I don't dare to tell the truth to someone, even knowing that not telling will have bad consequences. I desperately need that someone to give me back the confidence I once had, really. I can't think properly now. I'm have been thinking to much, stop telling me, start helping me!!!!

Btw, sorry for the emo-ness. My mood is just swinging tremendously, tiba-tiba macam perempuan. Fake LOL.